Icha Icha Bunshin: Orochimaru
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: First in a series of  dubiously  unique, clone-themed... shenanigans. Contains hot, kinky Oro-on-Oro action, filthy speculative humor from the rest of the gang, and a thoroughly traumatized Sasuke. WARNING: Mature, somewhat disturbing sexual content.


Icha Icha Bunshin: Orochimaru

By A Clockwork Pumelo

I do not own anything pertaining to the Naruto universe or characters. Anything/one recognizable as part of the series/franchise/whatever is the property of whoever owns it. Please don't hurt me!

**WARNINGS:**

**Disturbing, gratuitously sexual content. Sweaty, kinky, Definitely-Not-Safe-For-Work, man-on-man action. **

**Don't like it? Don't read it! You have been warned.**

[Author's Note: The idea for this came to me (no pun intended) when I accidentally put the same character's name in both of the search slots and came up with nothing. After some more curious searching I thought, in my own creatively twisted way, "Why are there so few fics that involve a character and their clone? Would that even be considered actual sex, or just a very elaborate form of masturbation? I must write a story about this!" And the rest, as they say, is history. If this goes over well (or even possibly if it doesn't), I might just write Icha Icha Bunshin stories for other characters. In the meantime, please enjoy everybody's favorite Naruto creeper-villain being told to go f**k himself... and taking that advice literally.]

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><p>The sound of a glass beaker shattering upon a hard stone floor echoed upon the damp stone walls of the hideout is the gray-haired medical ninja swore.<p>

"For f**k's sake, Orochimaru-sama! Can you _not_ sneak up behind me and tap me on the shoulder with that creepy goddamn tongue of yours for once in your life?" Kabuto said as he shot a glare at his master and automatically reached for the 50-pound bag of cat litter that he kept nearby his worktable for just such occasions. As he sprinkled a handful of the clay onto the chemical spill, the Sannin watched him and licked his lips with his unnaturally long tongue.

"Do you happen to have any extra female bodies, Kabuto? I want to do some… Experiments… Of my own." Orochimaru chuckled lecherously, rubbing his pale hands together in anticipation.

"Nope. I'm afraid I'm all out of female cadavers. You do seem to go through them at an alarming rate, Orochimaru-sama. Would a male cadaver be a suitable substitute?" The medical ninja's glasses flashed opaquely in the torchlight, obscuring gray eyes as he tacitly probed his mentor for any incriminating answer. Orochimaru, a certified genius himself, knew what his medic was up to and quickly made up an excuse.

"No, a male cadaver will simply not do. It was actually Tayuya that wanted it for some of her weight-loss experiments. She mentioned it to me yesterday, and so I figured I would pass on the message since I'm here anyway. She is busy training at the moment, so I figure leaving it in her lab would be a nice surprise – something to make up for that time you used her special diamond flute as an electrical insulator and completely destroyed the thing. Now, answer the question: do you have any dead chicks in your scroll?" The catlike slit pupils dilated guiltily in their golden irises as the snake Sannin finished his monologue, hoping to have distracted the medic enough that he would forget that Tayuya didn't even have her own lab, much less any use for cadavers.

"Orochimaru-sama, Tayuya doesn't even_ have_ her own lab." Kabuto snorted in disgust, watching his masters eyes narrow. "And my answer is still no, I don't have any female cadavers you can use. What are you going to do with it, anyway?" he asked, even though he was well aware of what his master "did" with the dead bodies. The hell he was going to let his master defile any more of his projects. The man was just _insatiable_.

"That's none of your beeswax, Kabuto. I know you've been working on at least three facial reconstruction experiments this week, and I don't see why you would need any other part of the bodies!" the Sannin growled, towering over his silver haired subordinate.

"B- because they come back all… sticky." Kabuto stuttered.

"Not their faces!" Orochimaru countered.

"That's definitely _not_ the point." Kabuto said, and sighed in frustration, realizing that logic was futile against his master in this situation.

"Then _make_ me a body or something!" Orochimaru demanded, crossing his ghostly pale arms over his chest and planting his feet firmly on the stone floor, making it very clear that he would not budge until he got what he wanted. Kabuto felt the boiling rage well up in his stomach at the unspoken challenge of wills. He was _not_ going to play this game again, and he was tired of taking his master's s**t all the time.

"With all due respect, Orochimaru-sama, go f**k yourself." Kabuto said in a low, clear voice that made his master's pupils close up to mere vertical slashes of rage his tawny-colored eyes.

"You heard me, Orochimaru-sama. Go f**k yourself." Kabuto closed his eyes and waited for the swift backhand and the long, strong tongue to wrap around his neck and choke the life out of him, but it never came. Instead, there was only silence, punctuated by the steady drip-drip of water down the stone walls. Turning around, Kabuto realized that his master had silently left the room while he had had his eyes shut.

"Holy s**t, Kabuto. You really dodged a bullet there," The medical ninja said as he patted himself on the back. "Now, to begin my experiment… all over again… which is going to suck. Wet chemistry takes hours. It's just the _worst_." From the corner of the laboratory, Kabuto heard a week, muffled chuckle.

"And you, shut the f**k up. You are_ not_ a special little snowflake anymore, nobody loves you!" Kabuto spat at the bedridden, snowy-haired man in the corner. The chuckle turned into a drawn-out wheeze.

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><p><em>Elsewhere in the hideout…<em>

Steam sluiced over Orochimaru as he admired himself from all angles in his new mirrored "shower room". Nearly six-and-a-half feet of flawless, alabaster skin and chiseled muscle stared back at him in utter perfection. Just looking at his own rippling abs and sculpted buttocks was causing heat to pool in his groin._ My gosh, I am so hot_, the snake Sannin thought as he ran his hands up and over his own wiry, supple biceps and then back down again. Bending forward and bringing his face closer to the mirrored wall, Orochimaru pressed his pale lips against the anti-fog glass and shivered at the feel of the ice cold surface as the tip of his now full arousal brushed the fine ebony hairs just below his navel.

"Mmmmm… I just _have_ to have you, you sexy, sexy thing." The pale man purred at his own reflection, admiring the way his slit pupils dilated as they followed his long, pink tongue out of his own mouth and around to the Yin-shaped earring in his left ear. Orochimaru straightened back up and pressed the burning shaft between his legs against the icy wall as his tongue played with the earring and his hands moved of their own accord. Suddenly, an idea occurred to the Sannin. A sick, perverted idea. An _excellent_ idea. Backing away from the wall and into the direct spray of the showerhead, Orochimaru brought his hands together rapidly in the signs necessary to make a shadow clone, which materialized from thousands of tiny, writhing snakes before him. Oh, this was going to be _fun_.

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><p><em>Elsewhere in the hideout…<em>

"So what would _you_ do if you were locked up in a room with only your shadow clone?" Tayuya leaned across the black slate table in Kabuto's lab, a lit cigarette dangling precariously from between her lips.

"You mean what would I do with my shadow clone? Why, I would try to find a way out of the room! What _else_ would I do?" Kabuto replied, obviously clueless. Tayuya rolled her eyes and took a drag on her cigarette before replying.

"You are _such_ an otaku, Kabuto. I mean, would you f**k it, or would you fight it? Those are really the only two logical choices." Tayuya laughed, pausing to take a drag from her cigarette and blow the smoke in Kabuto's face. The medical ninja coughed and waved his hand in front of his face before snatching the cigarette out of Tayuya's hand and putting it out on the table.

"Hey, you moron! What the hell, gimme my cigarette!" The redhead whined, reaching for it as Kabuto held it up out of her reach.

"I have flammable chemicals in this lab, Tayuya-san. You can smoke when you leave, not that I would recommend it. You don't want to end up like Kimimaro." The medic admonished her, still holding the cigarette out of her reach.

"I can still hear, you know. My _ears_ aren't riddled with cancer." Came the scratchy, bitter retort from the corner of the lab where Kimimaro lay on his gurney.

"Shut the f**k up, nobody loves you." Tayuya and Kabuto both said in unison, and then burst out laughing. They both went to the computer room, eager to get away from the stench of death, and even more eager to try out a new game on the hideout's intranet.

"So what do you think this person would do if they were stuck in a room with their clone for an hour?" Kabuto asked, pointing to his own picture on the personnel database file.

"You would totally fight yourself, but it would be totally pointless, because you're totally too much of a homophobe and a virgin to even think about trying to f**k yourself." Tayuya replied, eyes a'rolling.

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><p><em>Elsewhere in the hideout…<em>

Orochimaru's fingers dug into the firm flesh of his clones shoulders as the bunshin's tongue wrapped itself around his erection, making his knees threaten to give way. As he moved to sit upon the wooden bench along the opposite, mirrored wall of the small room, Orochimaru pondered whether what he was doing now counted as masturbation… Or gay sex? After all, he could just as easily have done this to himself with his own tongue, but having his clone do it, honey colored eyes looking up at him so trustingly, felt so much… _hotter_.

Orochimaru was brought sharply back into the present by the feeling of said clones mouth engulfing him, taking him all the way in to the hilt and making him gasp for air in the steamy room. He bit his own tongue hard to keep from groaning as the tip of the clone's tongue slid out of the side of its mouth to snake down and probe inside him, swiping and flicking maddeningly against his prostate. _Ah... I am such a f**king tease..._ Suddenly taken by a primal urge, he tangled his fingers tightly in the clone's silky black hair and shoved its head down roughly, groaning as he felt himself nearing the precipice…

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><p><em>Elsewhere in the hideout…<em>

"Ewww, fight." Tayuya grimaced.

"Oh, thanks a lot." Ukon whined, emerging from his brothers back and giving Tayuya an aqua pout.

"What? It's a bad picture of you." she replied.

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><p><em>Elsewhere in the hideout…<em>

Orochimaru's clone gasped and spluttered as the original held its head down and shuddered as he came hard in the clones mouth. The noises of protest that the clone made at having fine, black strands of hair ripped from its head due to Orochimaru's spastically clutching fingers only served to prolong the Sannin's throes of pleasure. After long seconds, the snake master released the clone to catch its breath as he slumped, boneless, against the cool shower wall. No words were exchanged; the only sounds to be heard were the steady cascade of the shower and the harsh breathing of two men. When Orochimaru finally opened his eyes, his clone was sitting quietly under the showerhead and washing its face of the last traces of his recent orgasm.

_How like me… Always so clean. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness,_ the snake Sannin thought to himself as he watched the clone. Rising to his feet, Orochimaru grabbed a bottle of shampoo from the shower caddy that hung above the bench. The clone got to its feet too and waited, calm and mute, for his next action. Orochimaru took its hand and squeezed some shampoo into it, doing the same for himself. Seeing the clone about to put the shampoo in its own hair, he snaked out his tongue and wrapped it around its wrist, guiding the clone's hand to his own cascade of black locks. Pretty soon, the identical men were locked in a tender embrace, massaging each others' necks and scalps with the fragrant shampoo and twining long, pink tongues together as they made out under the spray of the shower.

_To Be Continued..._


End file.
